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Tuesday, May 12th, 2009

Time:1:24 am.
things i love
louis and ella
being able to finally get along with my mom
laughing where you least expect to
how my dad laughs at his own jokes
his calls every three hours, even when he says there won't be that many
rekindling my relationship with mr. radin
the faces lizzy drew that i never took down
three weeks of nothing to do
movies calling my name
red, green, and yellow :)
babies dressed up
puppies in the park that he promises ours will look like
jazz.
order forms
being part of a team
getting more involved
the expectance of new friends
tanning lotion
alex and izzie and george being themselves amidst ingrid
ee cummings
my 4.0
letters from cali
the reconciliation with my cat
febreeze
goodbye dances to sinatra
apartment leases
picking out comforters, curtains, and towels
being in weddings
peppermint patty shots
how he picks the third eye blind cd from my case and knows all the words
finding the good from the past's bad
planning our life together
time to read for fun again
season finale week!
my grandma's pronunciation
newfound trust
things i hate
watching people worry
people telling me not to worry
vcu making me change passwords
how no one uses aim anymore
meals that don't live up to their expectations
the wave of heat that comes along with nerves
my flaky ipod
distance
the shaky line between support and separation
my unrelenting questions
the pressure to live up to what he had before
the pressure to make up for what i was before
falling asleep alone
my river otter being thrown into the toilet
the blurriness i get when waking up from a dream
how i knew we'd drift
things i think
even if he's not here, the change he's made in me is noticeable
my bangs are out to get me
i am two months away from my own apartment
i will stay busy thinking of you while i do all of the things that will take up the time
crying will happen on thursday
crying will happen everyday
i miss you.
my life will never be void of music
Comments: save me.

Saturday, March 21st, 2009

Time:4:15 pm.
i hate the feeling
when there's so much to do before a certain time
laundry in the corner
a shower to be taken

but you only want to lay in bed in the middle of the day
with no pants on and stuffed dog in your arms
watching a movie you know all the words to
that won't make you cry
Comments: save me.

Tuesday, March 10th, 2009

Time:1:29 am.
i am in love.

it's really that simple, and there's nothing else i can say except this is where i am supposed to be and i know

because we're here as a result of the smallest and craziest of things.

and it can't be coincidence, or luck, or random. it is planned, and we are together, and we are in love. and i will marry this boy, and my life has just begun!
Comments: 4 fallen ones - save me.

Wednesday, December 17th, 2008

Time:11:34 pm.
i am entirely too obsessed with all the new people in my life. something about how they think i'm funny when i laugh, and i have a way of being really weird. and they think i'm quirky and loud. and i'm obnoxious. but they take it, because i make up the weird bond about ten of us share. and they are my new best friends and my new family all in one. both. because i live with them, too. and the eight people i miss from high school has narrowed down to six and home is hard to handle.
Comments: save me.

Saturday, November 8th, 2008

Time:11:26 pm.
some things aren't meant to be.
wow.
Comments: save me.

Thursday, October 2nd, 2008

Time:1:42 am.
first good deed in forever: while i sat with some friends and watched them eat their bagles with special sauce, i noticed a guy who realized he had no money to buy his huge perfectly wrapped sub that probably took him a good 20 minutes to wait for. so i gave him eight dollars and he left happy and probably went to bed really full.

i'm on my way!
Comments: save me.

Tuesday, September 30th, 2008

Time:10:37 pm.
so i'm taking honors international political economy.
i know, right? lame. i hate it
but we're talking about how countries don't trade unless there are really great incentives. this idea seems really obvious, and it completely is, but even though they know trade will be beneficial for the the welfare of society in the long run, they need an incentive to make the short-term advantages outweigh immediate costs.
i am these selfish-ass countries.
unless there is an incentive, i don't do anything. i don't benefit anyone around me, even though i know i potentially could. and anything i know will be good for me later, i ignore because of the time i have to devote to make it good.
I NEED TO TRADE.

and i need to be a better person
Comments: save me.

Sunday, September 28th, 2008

Time:11:38 pm.
last night/early this morning:
i sat on two different roofs with two different boys and it really made me think about what i was looking at.
i was with people i already knew
i was with complete strangers
i was a fourth wheel
i was in someone's arms
i do remember
i forgot the address
i thought windowsills were balconies
i climbed backwards down a fire escape
we had way past midnight snacks, group hugs as we all branched out and off, and i heard laughs i've missed way too much.
i put you away for the night!
Comments: save me.

Thursday, September 11th, 2008

Time:4:47 pm.
Yesterday:
i woke up to listen to the radio, and made sure to wear headphones so he didn't wake up too
i took a shower with the water all the way on burn because i wouldn't get clean any other way
i zoned out in statistics because i imagined what kind of leaves i'd have if i were a tree
i looked at the sky on my way to class because they said it would rain and i had boots
i reluctantly gave the copy back even though i wanted to hide it so only i could read it
i met a new boy over chicken soup and a bay leaf who had a slight new yorkian accent
i was embarrassed over my name
i got a call from a friend who came to visit only after intense directions
i got lost near mamymont because i was too busy looking at myself in the side mirror
i drank a regular mocha smoothie because the energy seemed appealing
i bought a book of poetry because i couldn't afford the one i really wanted
i breathed a sigh of relief because his car didn't get towed like thomas'
i got asked to help search for a book about stocks and bonds so she could impress him
i fed someone sushi and watched a wordless emotion
i ran into two old friends in a room full of strangers
i got jealous that he let someone else wear his cardigan
i turned down a freezepop offer and a game of hide and seek
i watched project runway while three friends cuddled in one bed
i did not get shanked in the elevator
i fought and fought and fought and walked away with no words and a hood on
i ran to someone else just to cry
i walked to 7-11 at midnight with an empty heart and left with a full stomach
i let my itunes play on shuffle
we danced to a song in my dorm room and kissed each other goodnight with the lights out
Comments: 1 fallen one - save me.

Saturday, July 19th, 2008

Time:3:14 pm.
so even though it happened in a second, i saw the whole thing play out in slow motion. rolling towards her car, i knew i was going to hit it, and instead of a couple feet, it seemed more like twenty feet away from me, moving only inches in each second. and then her car ran in slow motion away from mine, tagging the truck like it was just a game. and the crash was ear-splitting, but in my car, in my head it was silent. and i couldn't hear the sirens, or the voice i talked to when i reported it, or the officers questions, or the other drivers' anger. all i heard was my own extremely selfish and embarrassingly scared sobs. all i was thinking about was how much i had just messed up. me. and it keeps playing over and over and i keep wanting to cry about it. and i'm still thinking about myself and how i'm responsible for so much more than i've ever realized.
Comments: save me.

Friday, July 11th, 2008

Time:10:54 pm.
i've reached a sense of happiness i can find on my own. and i won't always need it, but it's pretty great to know i have it along for the ride. i can see pretty far into what's coming and understand that i will have to modify soon. and other people know too about what we have to do, but for right now, we're free and flowy and following each other's leads. i am prepared.

and also just a little sad that two of my best friends just met for the first time and i wasn't even there to introduce them. i guess i'm scared they can have lives that intertwine without me there. what else will each of them find?
Comments: save me.

Tuesday, July 1st, 2008

Time:1:32 am.
that was a stupid talk and he listened but i really don't think anything got solved.
i like him too much to take action
and he's too uninvolved to get out.
we're both on completely different pages but we're stuck and no matter what we say or try to say or feel or try to feel, nothing can be expressed to it's fullest.

i talked to 5 other boys about him tonight but when he was on the phone my words sounded five times more ineffectual. maybe because he was the only one with no response.
i'm helpless.
Comments: save me.

Monday, June 30th, 2008

Time:11:09 pm.
my hope is hiding
Comments: save me.

Sunday, June 29th, 2008

Time:2:20 pm.
i'm stupid stupid stupid
Comments: 1 fallen one - save me.

Thursday, June 26th, 2008

Time:12:52 am.
I hate and love how people can see something for all that it is when they're not involved. Yet, the ones who are living it day after day, every second even, can't seem to figure themselves out. Observing what is not mine, I can only see every truth, both satisfying and painful to me, clear as any well known fact. Yet, it baffles me that someone I've only just come to know slightly has pieces of my life figured out that I keep quiet. He can write all the things I can't say aloud, and I say everything she doesn't want me to really know. We all understand each other, but few really understand themselves. Why can't I figure myself out? Why can't I figure us out? Will I be telling him all the things I'm feeling now later so that he doesn't make the same mistakes twice? Do we all repeat our worst behaviors? Who will ever learn?
Comments: save me.

Thursday, June 12th, 2008

Time:10:28 pm.
Sunshine is supposed to generally bring happiness, but it's now the cause of my restlessness. Well, not all of it, but it's making everything a lot more irritable than it would be if i was cool and not burning. But maybe too much of anything is bad. Too much time gone? Too many wasted attempts at conversation? Too much to drink? Too many things that were uncontrollably said? Too much expectancy, anxiety, confusion? I need to minimize and monitor. I need to step back after every day and think about what I did. My problem is plunging into something too fast, expecting too much. I laid on the beach for way too long because I wanted to change the way I looked and now I'm miserable. I think I want you, but will I be just as sad with my lack of thought, my leap of faith, my expectancy for you to think just like me? The thought of sunshine is far different from what I was excited about this morning. Will I end up thinking as differently about you?
Comments: save me.

Saturday, May 17th, 2008

Time:9:58 pm.
the back of my shirt is wet because i'm letting my hair dry naturally with nothing in it. i really want to see how it is all by itself because i really have no idea. i always mess with it. it never just is. i love how i might meet a soulmate sometime soon. i keep looking pictures of people i'm about to meet soon, people i've talked to but never touched. and then i wonder how maybe in a year i'll remember how funny it was that i lived a life without them. simultaneously, i'm wondering about how i'll think about that and then think about that kid from high school i was so close to a year ago. i feel like i've already started letting go without some kind of new, and i'm trying to figure out if thats the right thing. if you ever thought my hair was frizzy, you should see it now. it's pretty cool knowing i'll know someone far away. like jason is going to california. yeah, california. and you know how people in movies are always "give me a ring if you're in the area" and if i ever go to california in the next four years- that's just what i'll have to do. so weird because the other day i drove to his house on a whim to hang out, and that just won't be an option, and i'm really dreading the first moment i'll get the urge to go over there and he won't be there when i get there. it's selfish to want him to stay. and it's all just for me. he notices me when other people don't. i'll be sitting in the auditorium and he'll sit beside me and look at me and ask me how i am and i'll tell him really simply. and then he won't even say anything but he'll just sit there with me. and it's so stupid how the person who always sits with me will be all the way across the country. who will come sit beside me? where will we sit? what will their name be? will it roll off my tongue? in other news- i'm starting to get angry because i can't decide whether i should wear shorts or pants to bed. the weather is fluctuating and i keep having different kinds of dreams. it's either a cold night but i'm running in my dream and i sweat in my sleep. or it's a hot night and i'm shivering because i'm nervous in my dream. there's no equilibrium and i wake up upset. patrick tells me to keep one leg in and one leg out. but my legs are restless and he is too calm. there's lots of things i need to cross off a list in the next couple months. i have to make up for all the time wasted. i have to tak my AP gov exam. i have to get shots. i have to clean the house for company. i have go kiss him sometime. i have to get glasses. i have to sit him down and talk and talk and talk. i have to say goodbye to high school. i have to write more poetry. i have to have a good long cry. i have to pick a song. i have to assassinate thomas. i have to wear my graduation robe and walk across a stage all by myself. i have to tell them i will miss them. i have to miss them. i have to pick up my phone tonight. when i let my hair dry naturally it is frizzy, and slightly wavy. it has no direction and neither do i.

i have to go away. i've got no reason to stay anyway.
Comments: 4 fallen ones - save me.

Thursday, May 15th, 2008

Time:11:46 pm.
There once was a boy who felt something inside
Who thought he could feel it more with closed eyes
And the volume turned all the way up in the air
Of the mountains around him seeming to stare
At the girl right beside him with nothing inside
Empty and lonely with wide open eyes
Pretending to care just as much as the boy
Whose selfish vision had begun to annoy
The girl who got bored searching for something inside
Of her life she had tucked in the back of her eyes
Squinting and searching, straining to recall
What she lost for and loved for, she put up a wall
That he couldn't break when he looked deep inside
In the car that pulled over, looking right in her eyes
Crumbling the mountains between the two down
Revealing the sadness hidden in the slight brown
Of her eyes and the feeling she finally let out from inside
Releasing the hate that she found in his eyes
Comments: save me.

Wednesday, May 14th, 2008

Time:11:46 pm.
we walk through furniture stores with the purpose
of finding a table sturdy enough to support us!
Comments: save me.

Time:11:31 pm.
some said it was hopeless to dream what i dreamt
some said it was not right
but those frigid ones did not look out
of the glass that held them in their fake worlds

i was different
i knew the edge of the border
i won all the fights i put up against my fears
and they smoothly withered out of my life

i dared to take the step
i pushed the usual limit
i left and forgot it all until i was so far
i knew it was not possible to be bothered

looking back i am
proud to have been bothered with hopelessness
proud to have been different
because now they look out of their snow-globe lives
and see me turning them upside down.
Comments: 1 fallen one - save me.

LiveJournal for TickleMePink.

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You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.